So What Now……

“The most disrespected person in America is the Black Woman. The most unprotected person in America is the Black Woman. The most neglected person in America is the Black Woman” Malcolm X. I felt compelled to write how I feel after yesterday. If you have reservations about what I’m speaking about, please leave the negative comments to yourself.

I feel like I have no more tears left to cry, no more emotions to feel and just left feeling helpless. Yes 2020 has been a lot but in the black community, it has been tiring, frustrating and way too much. The fact that we have to experience all these hashtags, the videos of our own being murdered on social media and seeing that footage over and over, dealing with the ignorance of others is just too much. I’ve been feeling heavy and weighed down after the footage of George Floyd surfaced. It was so heartbreaking to watch and I literally cried for a week. Then hearing about Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, Elijah McClain, Rayshard Brooks and so many more unarmed African Americans whose lives have been cut short and no justice. Now with this news about Breonna Taylor and we have been waiting for 6 month for justice is just enough. Her life mattered and she deserves more than this. Her life mattered more than the stupid magazine covers, billboards, t shirts, memes, songs, dumb social media challenges…she deserved justice. Like what else can we do? Why don’t our lives matter?

We have been protesting, making lists of black owned businesses to support, posting, crying, screaming, burning things down and no change. It feels like at times our lives will never matter, that we can do all of these things until we are blue in the face but it just feels like things will never change. I don’t want to keep living in fear, I don’t want to keep cringing and praying every time a cop car pulls up behind me, I don’t want to keep fearing for my life and everyone in my family when they leave the house. I am just tired of people’s ignorance, disregard for us, the racism, injustice, the hashtags, trying to be mentally sane and show up everyday when I am not okay….I AM TIRED AND NOT OKAY!!!

I know I can’t think like this. I know that things do have to change, things have to get better. I want our children to grow up in a better environment than this. It hurt for me to have to sit my son down with my husband and explain what is going on, he should be worrying about playing with his friends, video games and candy but this is the world we live in now. We can’t give into defeat and need to have more hope. I am just tired of waiting for change to come because it should of been here like yesterday. We are asking for more than the street painted with Black Lives Matter, the black squares from companies that still want the black dollar but don’t care about us, the blanket statements of “support” and we don’t hear anymore from you supporting us and so much more. I’ve noticed certain people get quiet when things like this come up or stop viewing what I post and speak about what is going on and my frustrations and about black lives matter. They were someone’s daughter, son, husband, brother sister, wife, cousin, mother, father, loved one…a human life that was tragically ended over nothing. More people should be outraged about this, they had a family who now left to grieve and have to constantly see the last moments of their loved on all over social media and the news. That is just so heartbreaking to me.

At this point, I am literally at a loss for words, feel like I can no longer cry, don’t know what to feel or do anymore. I just want things to change, get better, justice to be served and for our lives to matter along with everyone else. It doesn’t seem like too much to ask but at the same time seem impossible. I do may small part of making other aware of black owned businesses and supporting them more. I want to know what else can I do, how can I help my community more, how I can I just help?

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