I went back and forth about posting something like this but I just need to stop being scared about things. Fear runs too much of my life and I’m working on limiting its presence. 2020 was rough on just about everyone. It was something we were not used to and thankfully things are starting to get better. I was just getting into the groove of getting back into the gym every week, working out and then everything shut down. Paying for that gym membership was my motivation for going every week and now I was in the house. We couldn’t find any gym equipment, weights, anything in the stores and things were sold out for months. I know that isn’t an excuse but I just stopped being active and working out. I was focusing more on my mental health and trying to get through this tough time.
I always took pride in my body image. I struggled most of my life with people’s assumptions and comments about how I looked. People assumed I had eating disorders or didn’t eat much because of how slim I was. I was always questioned why I was in the gym and sometimes told I didn’t need to be there because of how I looked. Those comments really got to me because if you knew me personally, all I do is eat lol. I just had a real high metabolism and it was hard to put on weight but I was healthy according to my doctor. I just hated that people would say those things and assume that I wasn’t eating. It really took a toll on my mental health at the time and I didn’t realize it then.
I think the struggle with my body image started after I had my son. I worked so hard prior to that for a 6 pack (well that was in college but you get the point lol). I put on 50 plus pounds during my pregnancy and was scared I wasn’t going to drop that weight. Well I did but still was trying to adjust to my new body after bringing life into the world. Over time, I started to love my new body and how I looked. I was happy until the pandemic hit. We were in the house eating a lot, doing take out, not working out and I put on 20 plus pounds! I noticed when I went to put on a pair of jeans and they didn’t fit. I started trying on other clothes and realized a lot of things didn’t fit and it really made me upset. Most of those things were my favorite clothing items and it hurt me to give them away. It just blew my mind that I put on so much weight and again took a toll on me mentally.
Of course my first thought was to start eating healthy and working out. I started to at home but then fell off and let things go. I just wasn’t motivated at all because I was just in the house and stopped caring in a way. I know I wanted to get back in shape but knew I wasn’t going to look like I did during my college days of cheering. I just wanted my clothes to fit so I don’t have to give anything else away. I really freaked out when I got my new job and had to commute to an office. I could hide in tights, sweats and large t-shirts, I actually needed dress clothes! I had to run out and buy something to wear for my interview, none of my dress pants or pencil skirts fit at all. I’m starting to pick up pieces here and there to wear for work but I’m not feeling how I’ve been looking lately. I just feel defeated for not trying to exercise or drop the extra weight. I find myself stepping on the scale every week to see if I put on anymore weight.
I just want to be healthy and not continue to put on weight. I want to be able to look in the mirror and love what I see in the reflection. I know it is not going to magically go away, I have to work this weight off. Not sure what I have to do at this point to either motivate myself or kick it in gear to get active again. I think its a mental thing and not sure what is blocking me. I know I’ll figure it out and get on the right track. Maybe I’ll document my journey, not sure but I just want to love myself again. This pic is from the beginning of 2021. I wanted to bring my birthday in looking good and being healthy. I set out a plan to work out, cut out certain foods, be healthy and none of that happened. I’m thankful to be seeing another year but I can’t continue like this. I just don’t want to keep having negative thoughts about myself and continue to hate my image. I know I may not get back that 6 pack or super flat stomach but I want to get very close to it. I just have to believe it.