As much as I don’t like hearing stuff about myself, this is something that I really needed to hear. Sometime last year, I was posting and talking about friendships and so on but I needed to look at myself. There was a point this year were I realized that I was actually the toxic friend and person and it was really eye opening. It made me really think about what I was posting about friendships last year and how I’ve been with certain people recently.
I hate having those difficult conversations with friends, especially those that may turn into an argument or be really conflicting. I’ve let a lot of things slide that people have done without addressing it with that person. I’ll start to distance myself, not respond to group texts and so on. To me that really isn’t being a good friend or person. And the funny thing is, I’ll get upset if that is done to me. I’ll get upset if someone is not responding to me in group texts or not really speaking to me. But I don’t try to reach out and address it, I’ll just ignore it. I also get upset when I’m reaching out to people to check in or hang out and they don’t respond. After a certain time, I’ll get fed up and stop reaching out not knowing what they may be going through.
I know, sounds bad and just immature in a way. I think I’ve had past experiences that have traumatized me and don’t want to relive any of that but its not healthy. I can’t let the fear of having a conflict or difficult conversation with someone keep going. I honestly thought I could get past this but haven’t at all. I know this is something that I really need to work on and also work on my definition of what a friend is and what being a friend really is. I need to learn to navigate friendships as an adult and learn to have those difficult conversations addressing those conflicts and issues and learn to listen to when people have an issue with me. I can’t ignore things or distance myself until it goes away, that’s not how things work.
I’m also glad I’m letting go of my jealously and envy issues as well because I was jealous of some of my friend’s success and things they have that I’ve been working towards or reaching for. It was hard seeing all the happy announcements and blessings when I was just sitting in my misery about where I am in life. I often distanced myself from them for a bit because of how I felt. It is just hard to sometimes be happy for others with you are dealing with your own mess.
This is going to take some time to navigate through but I’m thankful this lesson was brought to my attention. It feel like a lot of these lesson intertwine with each other. I’m still learning, still growing and evolving. I can get through this and learn to talk with others and not avoid them. See you guys tomorrow!