It has been a while since I’ve done a life update. So much has been going on with me mentally and a lot of it has to do with work. Sigh…… I really thought this new environment with people I don’t know would be so much better for my mental health but I slowly feel myself getting back into that dark place I was with my previous job. One day I’ll get more into what happened there and what is currently going on but I’m just not feeling so happy to walk into work everyday. A lot of it has to deal with the fact that I don’t feel safe or heard. There have been some issues that I’ve expressed my concerns about and there has been no action taken or my concerns have been brushed off like they don’t matter. It is very frustrating when you have someone you work with that you cannot trust due to the knowledge of them making complaints about you behind your back, spreading false rumors about you and just a miserable person. I’m not a problematic employee..I come into work…do my job…meet my deadlines and very nice to everyone in the office. I have no issues and I’ve been told that “I’m fine” “I’m doing a good job” “There are no issues with what I’m doing” but it is getting to me about worrying what this other employee is saying..oh and I don’t report to this person at all.
I find myself second guessing myself a lot, over worrying about everything, worrying about my job security and just frustrated that my concerns are not valid to anyone. It hurts to just sit there and hold my tongue and keep my mouth shut because what is the point. It is hard being a Black Woman in corporate America and you have to deal with shit like this. I see why a lot of us are leaving and working for ourselves. If I was in a better position, I would be doing the same. And don’t get me wrong,I love this new career path and job. I’m hoping to move up and excel but I feel like this person will hold me back due to the amount of complaints that I know about and the ones I don’t known about. It is just really weighing on me mentally and if I don’t do anything about it soon, I’m going to end exploding or having a mental breakdown which is something I don’t want. I’m just trying to figure a way to actually be heard.
I also feel the overwhelming pressure of people knowing that I’m actually doing my job. I didn’t realize this would be such goal based position where I have meet a weekly goal. It is starting to become a little overwhelming when you are being constantly questioned about if you are doing xyz and so on. I am actually doing what I am supposed to be doing and working very hard to hit that weekly goal but sometimes you can’t control things that are literally out of your control. It just feels like I’m not doing enough or working hard enough and feel like the higher ups don’t think I’m doing my job when I really am. It would be nice to hear that I am actually doing a great job every once in a while, not oh we need to do better and so on like everyday. It is starting to feel like where I was before that I was only being looked at for what I did wrong or why a goal wasn’t met and just feel like I’m being blamed for it. I’m not saying I need praise every week but it would feel nice every once in a while to know that my hard is not going unnoticed and that I’m appreciated.
Other than than nonsense, life has been pretty interesting. I have my good and bad days but I still show up for myself everyday. I need to work on taking more mental health days and time to myself. I just need to remind myself of what I wanted for myself this year…to focus on me and I have been getting away from that. I know I can’t rush things and to just work on things one day at a time. I honestly don’t feel too bad about getting off track about my goals. I just know I need to refocus, get it together and know that everything will be okay.
I know this seemed like a bring me down or negative post but I want to transparent and honest on here. I don’t want to hide how things really are in my life. Everything is not perfect and it is okay to admit that. I am not accepting defeat at all and will keep working towards my success. I am just starting to unlearn that you have to put on a facade like everything is okay when you are literally falling apart inside. And it just feels good to be so open and more transparent than I have been. It really feels good. Hope you guys are doing well and see you tomorrow for another YouTube video.