Writing In Real Time…..

Happy Sunday and beginning of the new week. Today’s blog post is inspired by earlier today. One of my best friends texted me and said she was getting baptized today and of course I wanted to be there. It is super important to show up for your friends when they are doing amazing things and just show up no matter what. Now I haven’t been inside of a church since 2020 and honestly have not been so consistent with attending in person or online. I was afraid that GOD himself was going to strike me with lightening when I walked in the church but I’m still here.

Not to poke fun of the man himself but today made me think about my actual spiritual relationship and how I view religion today versus when I was younger. I remember growing up and had to attend church every Sunday. I had to wear my “Sunday Best” and remember pants being frowned upon in the church. I was told that I had to get baptized to be saved and so my life can be lead by GOD and I honestly put it off as much as I could but kinda felt forced to do it. No one really explained to me fully why I had to do so and felt I should have been able to make that decision on my own. I also didn’t fully understand church and being a Christian as a whole. Plus when I was growing up, I didn’t understand the Bible or what I was reading. I am glad they created more broken down versions that you can understand but I was really confused lol.

As I am writing this, I’m hoping nothing bad starts happening but I just feel like all of this wasn’t explained to me or I was too young to grasp the concept of it. I know there is a higher power/being and believe in the power of prayer. I know there are so many situations where I was saved from and wonder sometimes how I survive most of the time. It is hard also not to question things when loved ones pass away unexpectedly, things go wrong or life is not what you expected it to be. There were times I would be praying asking for change, asking for direction and so on and no answer unless I never saw it or the signs. I would sometimes feel discouraged and lost and still feel that way today. I feel like I should have been able to make my choice on religion instead of somewhat being forced or told to.

I have been on the side of Christianity where people are accepting and loving and on the ugly side of it. I remember one day years ago I was standing in the foyer of the church after the service and hearing behind me my mom’s name and they saying “Oh that’s Andrea, she’s so and so daughter” and proceeded to say something about me when I turned around. I don’t think that woman thought I actually heard her but I did and I don’t play about my parents and people talking about me when I am right near them. Her tone and face changed immediately when I turned around and she didn’t have anything else to say. I believe it was because I had my son without being married first but ended marrying my son’s father…now my husband a few years later. I had no clue what she was about to say but glad I stopped it. That really made me angry and not want to be around people like that. I know other people experienced way worse in the church but it is supposed to be a safe space and place.

I feel like me today, I believe but not so much. I am still trying to find my way and figure things out for myself. I know I can pray and know that I am protected to a certain extent. It is just I wish I had the opportunity to explore different religions and practices when I was younger instead of being limited. I feel like now I am just floating around trying to figure out so much. Am I seriously religious or just getting by? I know this is a deep dive for another but just felt inspired to write this.

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